Feel It in My Bones - With Cherie

I Can Feel It in My Bones

I know it might seem easy for me to be spruiking the idea of attending a workshop, or a yoga practice, or a retreat.

The thing is, it’s a big step for many of us. My foray into wellbeing and self care was a rough ride. On the advice of a life coach, back in 2007 in Mudgee, I attended my very first yoga practice. It was held in the school hall at one of the primary schools and I went in feeling very anxious (as I did to most experiences in those days) and very under skilled and ill prepared.

I hadn’t been in a yoga room before so I was full of expectations and I’d pretty much talked myself out of liking it before I even went in. I didn’t know what to wear, I didn’t know who I would know there, what time to arrive; I didn’t have a lot of confidence.

I still turned up though and I'm wondering if that was a significant turning point for me.

Perhaps this is when I started saying ‘yes’ to things that were a bit unfamiliar, and yet felt like I was on the right path. Not only my life’s work – I could not have known that – but certainly a direction in which I started taking more care of myself.

My first experience was hilarious when I think back on it. I tried so hard to nail the poses – I was white knuckling it the whole way through. I was frightened I would look like I didn’t know what I was doing – HELLO!! I didn’t know what I was doing!! I had never been to a yoga class before!!

It was the complete opposite of feeling in the flow - I was rigid and stuck and exhausted trying to keep up and it felt very very awkward and difficult.

The hilarious part was at the end of the practice when the teacher invited us to lie down for the savasana, which is the quiet bit. I’m not sure if she said it was optional but I definitely took it that way. I chose to stand up, roll my yoga mat into a tight fist and get the heck out of there. I distinctly remember the thoughts being that I was far too busy to be relaxing. I know! I had reports to write, assignments to mark and television to watch.

So I took my mat and my expensive yoga outfit and left the room. I didn’t know how else to cope with my thoughts, and I was afraid that if I gave them any air time then I was going to start unravelling right then and there on the cold floorboards of Cudgegong Valley Primary School.

For some reason I went back...

It was the community for sure, and also the release of so much tension that had built up over years and years of holding on tight. I didn’t have a breakdown in the yoga class, that came much later, but I did start to feel more confident in my own skin. It was a slow burn and yet something felt really warm and comforting about exploring myself for the first time. It’s hard to explain really, but I felt like I was unravelling and not minding the process.

I had talked myself into thinking something like yoga, or being vulnerable, or connecting with a new group of people was a big deal. Turns out it wasn’t. I just took one step at a time. It felt a lot easier than walking around with a stiff back and feeling like I might bite the head off the next person who looked at me sideways.

I cried a lot during yoga in those days, and I still shed the odd tear when I feel emotions well up – that’s the whole point of the practice for me these days, to let the emotions come. I have nothing to fear. It’s just sadness, or anger, or frustration, or fear or any one of those uncomfortable emotions that we tend to try and avoid.

There is nothing wrong with me. There are lots of others that feel the same and when we come together we can really see and be seen.

Of course the most ironic thing, well there are a few, is that not only do I teach yoga and meditation now, but the ‘non-moving’ parts are my most treasured moments. I love being still. I love listening to my heart beat and my intuition, my mind and my inner knowing. That’s where the magic lies. Sure it’s in a yoga practice, and also it’s any time when I can connect with myself and let the rest of the world go by.

So the point of this letter is to let you know that you are not alone. If you feel scared…because you’re worried if you start crying then you might not stop…then that’s OK. You will be held. If you’re worried that you have a story that’s way too secretive to tell, then you don’t need to tell anyone. If you are feeling shy and vulnerable, ask a mate to come with you. If you aren’t sure what’s holding you back from the next right step, then just trust that things are working themselves out in perfect timing.

There is no rush and there is no wrong way to be in the world. When you know, you know.

If you fancy dipping your toe into the waters of workshops, retreats, gentle movement, breathing, sounds and healing then I can guarantee that you will be held by this beautiful community of Forbes and surrounds on Saturday morning. There is no feeling like being part of something bigger, and I can feel in my bones that this is a moment in time that is worth being a part of. We are all in it together.

Sending you all so much love, Cherie

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